The exalted form of garbage girl

Gorgeously hideous, brilliantly shocking, sickly, yet wildly formidable. Garbage girl is the name I have given to the main fragment or character within my own being that embodied a version of one of my darkest (organic) shadow parts. She is my gateway to/inner iteration of Wetiko, an altered version of “me” that has been building for God knows how long, that began God knows when, and is connected to so many elements, experiences, and belief structures, I could spend hours writing about it. She is innate to me, and she is also prevalent within the collective shadow mind. Her outfit is uniquely formulated based upon the configurations in my layers of light bodies, and she can show up as alternate expressions and iterations based upon a myriad of factors.

This share has two main objectives. #1 - to display my active participation in my own vulnerability and intimacy practice, by sharing this version of self that I have hidden, judged, shamed and condemned for so long. #2 - to inspire those that resonate and are ready to observe & meet their own darkest shadow parts with deeper reverence, respect, and ultimately…love. So that we may collectively triumph & integrate the false versions of self that one has been perpetually rejecting, abusing, compounding & feeding - one “step” closer to unification/unlocking the self into unlimited potential and conscious creatorhood.

Garbage girl has, paradoxically, both ruined & saved my life. She has invited me into great suffering, and is also the medicine carrier of the cure to that suffering. It has taken me a long “time” to get to this point…a moment where I can actually admit, speak to, and express my endless love and appreciation for this insufferable spirit. This is the story of garbage girl, and my journey which led to the choice I made to love her to “death” in order to love myself back to “life”.

I have not yet accessed the turning point or memory in which the relationship began, the overidentification of this perpetual inner voice that truly perceived that it was worthless…that I was worthless. It seems as though it may have always been a part of my architecture, that she may have been traveling with me for lifetimes...

As a child, my adaptation to traumatic imprints was to internalize pain and work to hide it from view; a very common adaptation for tiny littles on planet earth. For countless reasons, I did not trust anyone to fully meet my requirements and provide support through my development and discovery process. I am so grateful for my life, now; for every single element and opportunity I have been given through this process. However, at the time, and for many, many years, I was experiencing a tremendous level of pain and did not feel so grateful for it. This pain could only stay hidden for so long, before my body and being were incessantly searching for ways to express it and expel it, so as not to “implode” from it. I learned that my fascination with self-harm and self-punishment was merely a coping strategy to physically express on the “outside” the level of torment that was occurring within. This, in turn, led to some really outlandish expressions of pain outwardly, which would only frighten or push away others, to which I would be left alone again to suffer in silence until the cycle ultimately repeated.

Garbage girl truly believes in all of her being that she is worth less than a piece of garbage…that she deserves to be punished, abandoned, raped, ridiculed, despised, persecuted, and left alone for dead. When I would make a mistake or feel shame for something I had done, I would instantly hear and feel in my being that I was entirely worthless and honestly would consider “death”. Sometimes it would get so loud…and was so instantaneous. I feel extremely grateful that by the grace of God, I would ride this out until I would eventually come back to baseline - always feeling tremendous gratitude for not killing myself. Yet this shadow would always return in similar scenarios, and sometimes it would only get louder the more intense the misalignments and traumas would compound. I would feel such a strong pull to throw myself away entirely, as a result of one misaligned situation or element to my being. I really started to believe I was broken and unredeemable.

Garbage girl emanated some of the worst thoughtforms towards self that I have ever heard, yet she was also showing me all this time how misaligned and deeply hurt I was to actually believe her lies. How far I fell from, and forgot, my true limitless self. Her and I materialized a horror show of experiences for me to finally acknowledge what the heck was going on in my internal realm and subconscious, to finally put an end to the drama, chaos, and suffering.

Garbage girl was there with me every time I was raped, and she would whisper in my ear to keep going back. She was there when I would experience physical, emotional, mental, or psychological abuse by another, and default to endlessly justify their behaviors & stay. She was there every time I lied about how I actually was or was feeling, or when I would lie about what I truly required. She was there when I would manipulate situations and people in order to get what I thought I required, only to feel overwhelming guilt and shame that would ultimately strengthen her hold over my soul. I have felt her hands around my neck, distorting my speech and expression. I have felt her pull me towards harm and away from help. I have felt her orchestrating the same patterns over and over, playing small, hiding, repressing, obsessing, restricting, controlling, giving my body away, poisoning my mind, destroying relationships, destroying opportunities, destroying my self-esteem, wasting resources, and facilitating a lack of integrity and accountability to those I really desired to show up for.

She was there and co-designed the disordered eating rituals. To which became so bad, that whenever I HAD to eat, I would experience a full-on panic attack at the thought of it. I was rejecting nourishment, I was rejecting kindness, I was rejecting love. Abuse started to feel comfortable and “normal”, even though under the surface it always felt “wrong” and this would create such confusion and frustration, sometimes it felt unbearable. She was there when I would look in the mirror and cry about who I was, how I looked, how badly I wanted to be desired, to be loved, to be seen, to be acknowledged. She would be there when I’d get my hopes up about a friendship, opportunity, or relationship only to destroy trust, intimacy, and authentic exchange because of the loud FEAR and deep perception of unworthiness.

Garbage girl was there when I experienced the loss of four babies, all painful and traumatic in their own way, all with a partner I really didn’t align with being with….when I chose to perpetually sacrifice my own wellbeing for someone else’s. When I would agree to things I didn’t really want to do. When I would spend all of my money on someone else whom never reciprocated. When I would cry alone everyday, praying for someone to come and save me. When I would call in loving beings, only to lie, hurt them, push them away. Growing her hold over me.

As you can see, we have quite the relationship.

It wasn’t until I turned 27 that I realized that Garbage girl was not some extra-dimensional demon from another realm to ensure my endless suffering (which she also actually is!), she was/is me, I was her. We were each other, and I allowed and chose to let her “run the show”, and make these decisions. She is the culmination of all of the times I made the choice to listen to the lie instead of honor and acknowledge the TRUTH.

As soon as I began to take ownership for the choices and creations in my life, when I would select the opposite choice to what I always had done by challenging my instinctual mind and patterns, that was when the hold of Garbage girl began to release…oh, but she did not go down without a fight. It was years of commitment and “battle” until I had an experience which led to a potent transformation.

Every person you see has their own version of the anti-self, no matter how comfortable, safe, or pleasant their lives seem to be on the surface. We are all tasked with integrating certain false/shadow elements that are gifted to us either from our traumatic experiences, our families, collective programming, or past-life experiences that have yet to be completed.

Many really get stuck (like I did for so long) because we have not yet been taught the nature of ourselves and Universal Law. Much of the truth has been very distorted, hidden, lies upon lies are perpetuated constantly. Creations born of trauma, shock, devastation, betrayal, false & limiting narratives, that which is created from the shadow self to enhance, feed, and normalize elements within those that carry similar patterns and beliefs, growing the frequency fences of separation & promoting anti-life software en masse.

I, myself, not too long ago became lost in an era in doom & gloom consciousness, especially with such radical disclosure & access to information without yet developing a solid framework established in the endless loving nature of the force of God/Source. It can be so easy to become consumed and re-infected with fear programs and disempowerment templates over and over again, perceiving one is awake and aware, while still engaging in an antagonistic, hopeless, or negative view of life and reality from the lens of shadow, masquerading as “truth”.

When we become aware of external elements taking place within the collective architecture, or we notice our attention being drawn/focused upon an external event happening “out there”, I have found it to be an extremely serving practice to engage in exploring its relevance, how you may initially react or respond to it, and choose to witness what comes alive within you and why. I will share more on this in another post, Neutralizing Victim/Victimizer: Healing the Roots of your Tree.

Going back to Garbage Girl.

There were many years of her whispers and screams, and like a naïve child, or a pre-loaded programmed robot, I would just blindly follow and believe the thoughts that were blasting in my head, which would lead to some really misaligned choices, which continued to manifest more pain and suffering within and for those around me. It wasn’t until I experientially started to piece together the LAW OF SUGGESTION, to then discover it was actually a thing that others were aware of and spoke on, that I began to innerstand deeper into aspects of the psyche, human behavior, creation templates and instruction sets, how our minds, subpersonalities, and behavioral patterns are “born”, and how to reverse engineer or completely reconfigure the entire program if necessary.

The LAW OF SUGGESTION states (in a nutshell) that we are the sum total of our accumulated thoughts and beliefs, what has been suggested to us through spoken words, our direct experiences and interpretations of life, subconsciously, consciously and through our spiritual bodies. What is spoken, what is heard, what is seen and perceived from this body filter, is the suggestion of what we become.

Where I’m gonna go is a bit dark…yet, it’s necessary. I cannot adequately describe my relationship to garbage girl without describing in detail when she would come forward, how she would behave, and what would amplify the presence of this consciousness programming within my own being.

From first time I was raped as a child, to the last as an adult, I began to learn very quickly that sexual transmission goes far beyond just physical exchange of fluids and physical action…humans are extremely “porous” we are influenced by and have a great deal of influence upon ourselves, others, the environment, and beyond. This will likely not land with those operating from a strictly scientific materialist mindset that have not yet gleaned awareness of non-linear reality and its impact and co-creation of/with linear reality (and vice versa).

As we are energetic beings, with layers of information being exchanged and processed every moment, we can often become “infected” or share “infections” with others that have a great deal of impact in many ways. Now, I am EXTREMELY diligent in assessing victim/victimizer within my own being. And I am choosing to be very careful in how I express this…because for as many times as I’ve experienced rape, and for how truly violent, painful, and damaging it has been, I refuse to identify as a victim - as I now have deeper insight and realization in the part I have “played” in the manifestation of these experiences, as well as each one being a truly sacred opportunity to gain valuable insight that I continued to ignore, dismiss, refuse, refute, or was simply in too much pain to see or recognize. Everything I have experienced, and I mean EVERYTHING has been a tremendous gift to me AND it has been fucking atrocious. Now as a parent to a beautiful tiny daughter, I truly struggle with thoughts of her experiencing a fraction of what I’ve been invited into, I’m uncertain of how I would bear it. Yet, as I reflect and relate to my own journey, it doesn’t really instigate the same level of pain or suffering that I would feel if it would happen to her. Which got me thinking…perhaps there’s more to explore in that, in how I relate to myself and/or is there something about personal firsthand experiences that alters the way that we may relate to something.

Back to LAW OF SUGGESTION: I had to accept that beings I was connecting with were carrying similar shadows or technologies to what I was carrying…and this was feeding disempowerment collectively. If everything in my “outer” reality is pretty dark and misaligned, it’s because it is first running through a filter put in place in my own inner operating system. I had to go back and suss out where I learned a lot of this…and make a point to no longer consume or relate to elements either in the media or via my peers that were feeding similar thoughts or perceptions on self/other/reality that got me there in the first place.

If you have read other posts, you will begin to see a pattern that I have chosen to establish over years of commitment to integration. Whenever I notice a pattern, thought, or belief “outside” of me, I immediately reflect upon its relevance or potential opportunity it is offering to expose something that may be going on “inside” of me. As I have experientially and intellectually felt the truth of oneness, I fully acknowledge that every single element that is brought into one’s life is a result of an internal cause. Internal cause = external effect OR internal distortion = external misalignment. Everything that is brought to us via God/Life is showing us something within that we have either ignored or neglected, repressed or dismissed, or something that is inviting us into seeing/activating us beyond our current level of capacity or maturity. It is FOR us, to show us how we are participating with ourselves, with others and with life, and provides a possibility to step into something greater, with each experience.

However, this was quite difficult to see when in the midst of the storm…and when there wasn’t much awareness or practice around noticing patterns or acknowledging repeating elements and not just assuming that’s just how life is, or this is just what it is.

Disempowerment was feeding Garbage girl. The deep belief within myself that I was unsafe, insignificant, unloved or had no value, if I kept believing it and acting from this place, it would only grow stronger. And every time I would feed her, I would feel shame or feel very negatively about what transpired as a result. As the people around me began to become more and more fearful or disturbed by what was going on, I would work very hard to “hide” her as much as possible, or sometimes pretend that she wasn’t there. Again, it would only make her louder and come out stronger the next time I was “triggered” or activated in a way that I would have to choose again how I would respond (or react) to a situation.

To be 100% authentic with you, I never in my heart truly desired to be hurting myself or another being. When I would have moments of “lucidity” and would really begin to reflect on what I had done, what I was doing to self/other, or just pause for a moment and realize all that was happening as a result of this phenomenon, it would sometimes be unbearable to accept. In comes a “coping mechanism”, and the lucid part goes back to “sleep”.

This is the step or stage in the integration process that many beings around me and that I have worked with get stuck in. Perpetual eras and cycles of dark night. They, for whatever reason, do not believe they are capable of or able to handle/look at/accept the reality of what is happening and what they are participating in creating. I do not blame or wish to speak negatively of this at all. I sincerely do innerstand.

However…we must move through this step, and develop the courage and strength to look at what is. If we don’t know or acknowledge where we are and what is going on, it will be near impossible to decide or create a path to get where we are “going”. We lose coherence and the ability to view things objectively, which will always dampen and distort one’s capacity for aligned discernment and decision making.

I HAD to change what was happening, inside and out. I wasn’t going to “make it” if I didn’t. I made the choice….red pill instead of the blue pill.

In this era, I CHOSE to surrender and align with the LAW OF RESPONSE and THE LAW OF VERIFICATION to assist me through this stage (and I still do <3)

THE LAW OF RESPONSE states, essentially, “ask and you shall receive”. This law means that when we genuinely request guidance and assistance (prayer) from the spiritual-energetic realms, we will always receive a response. It is our responsibility to learn how to listen to the whisper in the stillness of our heart for that direct response to our question, or allow ourselves to be in a state of open receptivity (not setting expectations or looking too closely/specifically) to receive the answer to our request. We must ask directly and state our request for help as clearly as possible, with loving vibrations.

If we do this out of desperation or fear, we often will be sent a vibration that matches our inner state of being, which will only add more challenge and difficulty.

During this era, I was praying constantly for guidance and support. I was also outwardly seeking support via practitioners and other “healers” that could provide different ideas, tools, and wisdom to assist my process of healing. I began to receive SOOOOO much….books were coming to me, I was being directed to specific websites, podcasts, music, art, movies, situations, new people, new positions, new places, moving, total change up of lifestyle/routine, expanding awareness very rapidly, so much yoga, acupuncture, homeopathy, learning about fascia, aligned history, body work, energy work, plant medicines, studying so many spiritual texts/insights/perspectives, the Law of One, shamanic healing practices, invited into parasite cleanses, somatic release practices, Jungian psychoanalytic studies, psychospiritual science, on and on...my prayers were ALL being answered.

I will admit, some of the beings I connected with were not offering aligned advice. I was grateful to still have a sense of resonance for what I would choose to align with or not. I did have a practitioner work to “convince me” into blaming/aggressing the abusers in my life and work to eradicate all of them simultaneously…making them and their behavior the sole problem, and that if I no longer experienced abuse, I would somehow be “cured”.

I did not resonate at all with this. Because every time I explained that some part of me in my heart and being still really loved these expressions….I was met with a form of patronization that passive-aggressively assumed my judgment was poor because of all of the abuse I had endured, and that somehow my loving nature was actually pathological. I know I was fucked up…yet, I was not stupid…and thankfully, I was not easily manipulated by this.

I do agree, there were aspects of my connections to those who have abused me/their shadow aspects that were absolutely pathological or misaligned. However, I still loved them as a being…I still had respect for them, and I did not want to blame everything that happened to me on other people. I participated in this, and I would like to know why…and how I can shift this behavior into setting a higher standard for myself/learning how to express healthy boundaries without causing harm to self or other.

I didn’t work with this being for too long. And I innerstand that much of her treatment style was concocted based upon her own unhealed shadow fragments, carrying ANTI-MALE technology and blaming the patriarchy and dark masculine for everything…anger and disdain for abusive archetypes and rejection and condemnation of shadow in general.

I’ve seen recently that women who carry ANTI-MALE technology (negative animus or animus possession) or express/overidentify as dark feminine shadow alters/personas are deeply repelled & bothered by me haha…I can always feel a level of discomfort and disconnection when they come into my field. And that’s okay. They can feel that way and have those projections. I love them and then let them go on their way. Doesn’t mean I am “bad” or “wrong” because they don’t like me….it also doesn’t mean I will put really any effort into changing their mind or perspective unless they become aware and truly desire to do the work/invite me into it. Also, hardcore fundamentalist Christians (Paul’s Christianity not Yeshua’s true teachings) do not seem to appreciate my expression either…love to them anyways.

I refuse to hate & blame men just because they have hurt women….women hurt men too, we hurt each other and ourselves constantly. What I wanted to know is…why? And what can we do about this? How do we spark a massive wave of collective integration and dissolution of separation technology?

I have to tell you….throughout this process I’ve had to face many fears, and dismantle myself from fear programming within many layers of my light body/consciousness. Darkness is beginning to have less and less of a negative effect on me. I do not fear many shadows any more. I still cry and feel a great deal though…yet, it is different. It isn’t because I am “against” or feel “resistance to” collective misalignments, it is acceptance for what is happening right now collectively that still activates a very deep response in my soul. I hurt for the hurt in this world, yet I also accept it equally as a part of life.

AND there is still something that really puts me on edge/alert when around beings who are either A. Ignorant to, or refuse to acknowledge their own shadow or B. Have very little awareness or acceptance around the reality that everyone has a shadow and a capacity for great evil, it really all comes down to self-awareness and choice. As a result, many in this category will become their shadow and overidentify with it, without any realization that that is not who and what they truly are. They will almost always attack an “outward shadow” without realization that whatever they feel triggered or activated by is actually pointing to something alive within them to be worked through. Essentially, they become very stuck in victim/victimizer or avoidance/neglect.

I still have love for expressions who engage in this, wholeheartedly. Yet, they are not in my “fox hole”. They don’t become core beings in my main connection group that I engage with regularly and trust in my day-to-day life. I may help them…yet, I know better than to rely on them (in their current state) for aligned support or deeper connection. Some people will project that this is a form of self-righteousness or that I perceive I am superior to others. I do not believe that or resonate. However, I have gone within and accepted/celebrated that I have worked WAY too fucking hard to allow the shadow forms of others to violate certain boundaries I have put in place for myself, out of self love…and never to initiate harm in either direction.

To truly support the essence of safety within us and around us, this requires us to develop proper discernment. That means, we realize that a person/group/organization may not be in a state in which it is safe to put our blind trust into. If you notice there are people in your life in which authentic communication and respect are not present, despite many efforts, it is likely time to lovingly create a boundary and place energy into cultivating a more aligned relationship with someone who is a bit more self-aware or engaged in the process of integrating their shadow/open to doing the work with you.

As we integrate and connect deeper to our true selves, we begin to organically set higher standards. Higher standards for the food we will eat, the media we consume, the people we will interact with, our quality of life/lifestyle, and the standard we set for our societal & cultural sectors, in general.

This is the part that many beings will gloss over….how painful it can be when you begin to commit to awareness and integration of your own shadow, you will start to see it everywhere and in everything…and there will be many things you will no longer support or participate with as a result. Maturation and mastery comes when you can love and allow the shadow to exist without feeding/perpetuating it. We must learn how to see misalignment and become objective witnesses to it. To no longer illicit such a strong reaction of either fear or anger. If you notice fear or anger around anything you witness, it means there is still something in you to be healed and addressed, and it can be, if you ask for assistance and you commit to following through on what you are invited into/what you are guided towards addressing.

Next let’s cover The LAW OF VERIFICATION

This is an excerpt beautifully written by Lisa Renee of the Energetic Synthesis Community.

“The Law of Verification is the link of what has been learned through the lessons of life and the gathering of that knowledge that has been accumulated, and then verifying those experiences by accessing how to apply that knowledge into everyday life. We take our spiritual lessons and then explore the opportunity to apply them to the material world, paying attention to the results we may get.  We get to explore ourselves and our perceived limitations by experimenting with the knowledge that has been gained in order to increase our skills, competencies and talents, by changing and experimenting with the way that we do things. Through verification of what we are learning, we access our creative potentials in order to find new methods to address old problems, and this pushes us beyond our limits to increase our self-confidence and personal power to know that we have all we need inside of us. 

If we can look at the negativity and challenges we face as life lessons designed to expand our consciousness, we may approach problems in life with a completely different attitude. We then realize we will have conditions, events and people that surface in our world that come to test out what we are learning about ourselves. We are given the opportunity to adjust our thinking, to know this experience as the truth and see it as a blessing, shifting our reactions to many of life’s experiences.  The Law of Verification comes into play when building a strong spiritual foundation, when there are things in our life that need to be stabilized and made stronger, because something in the core is weakened. We may undergo tests of character to see how strong we are in the commitment to personal values or spiritual growth, and in what areas we may falter.  If we base our decisions in life upon falsity or lies, this weakness will be tested and brought to the surface so that we can see it operating and verify the truth of it through our own experience. This realization supports the ability to perceive where we need to make changes to modify attitudes and behavior, and to perceive the opposing forces of polarity involved, in order to verify if we are acting in alignment to the natural laws, in alignment to our authentic selves. The Law of Verification teaches us a lesson through inner revelation, the path of moderation in all the pursuits in life in order to achieve energetic balance, is the key to mastery of this law, which opens the communication with neutral forces.”

If you’re still with me in this long share….Garbage girl began to really lose her “power” when I came into this era of aligning with the Law of Verification.

At this point, I had grappled with many shadows and had already begun celebrating what I had learned from the experiences of them. I was now seasoned in meeting similar situations and choosing to respond differently than I had repeatedly done over and over. I realized that I had the power and ability to shift/change/transform, which led to the next era of innerstanding that I AM the power, and “change” or transformation is inherent.

I welcomed higher and higher challenges to show me how far I had come, how unwilling I was to turn back and embody her/listen to her any longer. Yet, I refused to condemn her or exorcise her, because I had seen how she was actually me/a part of me.

The most potent experience was brought on via a plant-medicine journey. I do not advocate the use of any plant medicine for anyone unless they truly feel called and resonant with it, and receive aligned support and guidance through their process. I support and uphold the free will of others to decide for themselves. For me, personally, plant medicine has been a HUGE ally along my journey. I no longer partake in any macro-dosing ceremonies, yet I am open in the future if I feel resonant.

Anyways, I sat with Psilocybin and I had an experience where I traveled inside of my 2D Realm (Sacral Chakra) and was brought to a hall of “personalities” or I guess what one would refer to as a repository of archetypal expression or alters. My sacral realm (to my inner eye) looked like an ornate and truly stunning palace or temple. It was a castle/palace that resembled a fusion of Japanese & Middle Eastern Architecture, Lord of the Rings, Hogwarts, and a Celtic Gothic Cathedral. Sounds like paradise to me…haha.

Upon entering, I was brought to a grand hall with a very large table, where I saw myself sitting in the middle of the table. I heard inside of me “take a deep breath”, and my body “opened”. And hundreds and hundreds of “characters” spanned out from the single “me” sitting at the table. I asked specifically to be directed to those that were reflecting specific aspects of self that I was working to integrate and innerstand better. The hundreds and hundreds immediately shuffled down to 5. There I saw what I interpreted to be: “the femme fatale”, “Galadriel (High Priestess)”, “the slave”, “the naïve child (all love and no wisdom)”, and last but not least….”garbage girl”.

I locked in, buckled up. Let’s go, garbage girl.

She was fucking hideous….I mean, hideous. She looked like she had suffered through several holocausts, very gollum-like, yet still had some strange sense of allure and beauty to her pale, frail, broken form. She had cuts and scars all over her body. She was mangled and horrifying. She didn’t attack me…she just had me look at her. I had to really look at her, and she was showing me/made me watch & acknowledge what I had been doing to myself…every time I hurt myself, I hurt her….I kept her in bondage, I kept her enslaved. I wept harder than I thought I could. I was so sorry…I was so sad. And I chose to love her. I chose to hold her and tell her that I was so sorry I ever, ever, ever related to self/her the way that I had been for so long. I tear up typing this now. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I was so versed in handling pain, this was next level. It was a full-body grief-gasm. Every cell in my body felt pain and grief and sorrow, and also SO much love and gratitude.

I love her, endlessly & completely. I forgave her. I forgave myself. I hugged her and wept. I held her like a beloved friend. I felt the strongest urge to nurse her back to health…to take away her pain. (To nurse MYSELF back to health, and to hold MYSELF in my own pain) She started to dissolve….she started to transform into pure light and then merge back into the “me”, the original “me” at the middle of the table, where all the other forms came out from.

I required help with this. This was big, and it sent a shockwave through my bodies that took me a few months to integrate after I grounded back down/came back from that experience.

After that, I was never the “same”. And I never heard her voice again. When I would experience pain or challenge, she wasn’t there - instead, I immediately heard a voice of “encouragement” a reminder of practicing the pause, practicing discernment, inquiry, and to immediately offer to myself whatever love I required in the moment to stay centered and objective.

Garbage girl transformed into her exalted form….she is my best friend/my best ally. She is an aligned companion. Garbage girl transformed into grace, into compassion, into a voice of reason. She is the coach who cheers me on instead of cutting me down. Now I will hear/feel “go drink some water”, “you require support & sustenance”, “you’ve worked hard and accomplished much today, go rest” or “you’ve been stagnant too long, go move”. “Don’t take to heart the judgments of others, let them feel and think what they do”. “You are invaluable, and you don’t have to DO or PROVE anything to have value”.

I can feel the reversal switch…instead of running towards abuse - I notice it immediately and refuse to participate. I speak up for myself, I set boundaries, I constantly check in with myself and tune into what I truly require or feel about something. I can authentically declare what I will or won’t do, without guilt. And I WILL NEVER let another person inside my body if I don’t want them to be there. If another person rapes me, chokes me, hits me, cuts me, locks me in my room so I can’t leave, steals from me, lies and deceives me, I will not go back again. I will feel the pain, I’ll move through the shock, and then I will love them and I will wish them well. I WILL not stay. No more acquiescing and tolerating…no more submission to the “dominator”. And she’s really helping me integrate master/slave templates and dynamics.

I pray that more and more beings experience freedom and participate in the exaltation of their darkest shadow form….it is possible, we can do this. It brings an ineffable sense of joy, of positive self-esteem/capacity for meeting challenge and adversity, and it brings such an overwhelming knowingness and beingness of love and freedom. I pray that anyone and everyone in alignment to do this work in this life feels this/creates this within themselves in some way…

Keep going, I know we can do this.

Don’t fear your own shadow - see it, learn from it, love it, transform it. Ask for help. Chart your patterns, your beliefs. Celebrate your victories, revert your inversions back to alignment, and keep going/moving through the challenges. Hold the tension of opposites and unite them into wholeness.

So much love to you.

CMK